Funny story, I desperately want to have children and I can't. I know that it doesn't sound so funny but, if you knew my life. The news would make you laugh not the same way that you laugh when you watch America's Funniest Home Video's but, the kind of laugh that says "nothing ever goes your way, does it?" It doesn't bother me, if I have learned anything from my life its this. I. Am. Resilient.
This is how we got to this place; this place where I have shoved what is left of my eggs in IVF's basket and have tried everything from acupuncture to hypnosis to adjust the odds to be in my favor.
As soon as we started to try to make a Mini M&M, I knew that something was wrong, I didn't know what exactly but, I knew. For about six months I made every effort to ignore my suspicions, they were likely fruitless. After all, when I was 14 I stopped eating meat and didn't start back again for 5 years because I heard a story about Mad Cow disease. I am a terribly careful and cautious person.
I decided that I didn't want to wait any longer and I made an appointment with my OBGYN, Dr. High-Five. Its true that is a pseudonym because after I saw him for the first time he checked out my baby maker and baby feeders and then, high fived me for a job well done. Dr. High-Five tried to explain to me that there probably wasn't a problem but, that he would like to conduct a laproscopy, an outpatient surgery to check my baby factory, to be sure that it really was nothing. The laproscopy came back clear. The next step he said was to start Clomid.
Clomid is an oral medication that you take for part of your cycle each month, and it is supposed to make you ovulate. Sounds easy, right? I guess it would have been if it would have worked and if it didn't make me fat. For the record "fat" is not recognized as a side effect of Clomid. However, "weight gain" is. If that means 5 pounds each cycle and I did 6 cycles, then yes, it made me fat. Sure, maybe I upped my milkshake intake but, if you know of a better way to deal with the exhaustion and mood swings, please be my guess...
There I was six months gone by, thirty pounds heavier and nowhere closer to baby. Dr. High-Five referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, or for those of you in the biz of being barren, an RE. I made an appointment with, Dr. Encyclopedia, in the first twenty minutes of our meeting I was in love. I already had a list of fertility studies to research and he kept calling my husband the wrong name. He ordered some tests to see what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks was going on. So, started, phase two.
I walked out of that appointment with a band aid from my AMH blood draw, and scripts for an HCG, Valium and three more blood tests.
The HCG, basically, they stick a straw up your naughty mommy part and then inject some dye to take pictures. Some people say that the HCG is the worst thing that has ever happened to them. For me it was like mild menstrual craps, I don't know if that makes me super strong or my period a complete and total monster.
After about three weeks, I had my results. My AMH was low and my FSH was high. What that means for those of you not in the barren biz is that I am running out of eggs. My husband on the other had has incredible sperm, I believe Dr. Encyclopedia's exact words were, " These numbers are, great, amazing, remarkable". While, I am happy that he has such great, amazing, remarkable sperm; did I secretly wish that there was something wrong with him too? Absolutely. I thought that it would take a little bit of the pressure off of me. It wouldn't since, I am the only one applying pressure. We decided to try IUI.
IUI is when I take an oral medication and hormone injections in an attempt to grown a sweet follicle (pre-egg), during IUI you receive vaginal ultrasounds on a regular basis until, the follicle looks like its ready to get its ovulation on. When that happens you take a trigger shot, to make sure that you ovulate in the next 36 to 42 hours. At anytime during the ovulation window, you will be inseminated with your husbands great, amazing, remarkable sperm and then you wait. We decided to try IUI three times. Once, twice, three times a lady. IUI didn't work.
One more meeting with Dr. Encyclopedia and it because abundantly clear that, IVF was our last option and that it was a Hail Mary.
The first, step is an IVF class. As my husband and I sat in the break room at the doctor's office, with the other couples learning about mixing hormones, I couldn't help but look around. Everyone, was in their own bubble of grief and fear. I wondered, if we looked as sad as they did. Deep down I knew that we didn't. After all, our dream has always been to have a family, biology be damned.
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